My mom tells me that my eyes are beautiful. She applies kajol to my eyes. ‘Black kajol on your soft cheeks, black kajol on your white eyes- how lively is your eyes’ exclaims my sister-in-law.
True, my eyes are big- but for what use? My sister-in-law’s son Ramu has eyes that look like tamarind leaves. Tiny, Blinking eyes. I am ten. He is also ten. I am ten days elder to him. But I haven’t seen even a tenth of the things he has seen in the village. The day before, there was a big fight in front of my house. I ran outside and stood in the group. Suddenly, my elder brother came and dragged me into the house.
“Being a girl, how could you stand there without being afraid- my heart was pounding fast even while I am hearing those sounds from inside the house,” exclaimed mom.
Everyone yelled at me when I said, “I wasn’t scared”. My elder brother was always happy looking at his wife’s timidity. He always likes to scare her and laugh at her. She acted accordingly- for everything, she shouts, “I am scared” and closes her eyes. She kept her eyes shut even when I requested her to open them and see. She also has big eyes. But for what use? She should keep her eyes shut like that. If they enter the street- my mom and sister-in-law will not raise their heads. Their eyes look only at the ground below. What is on the ground? Even if there is something, how long will they be looking at the same thing? They won’t see what is on the streets. Besides, my mom always scolds me: ‘Why do you look everywhere’. ‘Keep your head down and walk. Look at the ground’, she yells hitting me on my head.
Alas- I cannot walk like that. How will I know what is on both sides of the street when I don’t look at them? Will Ramu, who roams in the street round the clock, even care about me? But there are still many things which even Ramu doesn’t know. He doesn’t know that women have to look at only certain things. My mom knows about that very well.
I can’t even look at my own body freely. Mom will start shouting. When you are growing older, you are not allowed to see men clearly. Now I am playing with Ramu joyously, but after two years I can’t play with him. I should run into the house when I see him. If I see him in the market, I should keep my head down and only raise my eyes to see him. Padma, who is older than me and lives next door, does the same. When I asked her why she behaves that way, she claimed that it is pleasing when you behave like that. I haven’t yet learnt those ways of looking. I don’t know when I am going to learn to look that way- even then, it is impossible to look at Ramu in that way.
Apparently, women should be able to shed tears from their eyes quite quickly. The day before, my mom was scolding the woman next door. “Stone-hearted. Not even a single drop of tear came from her eyes” she said. Apparently, women should be inclined to cry easily. Most often I get anger, not tears. I will be enraged if someone scolds me for no reason. My sister-in-law simply cries. Only then my brother’s anger will subside. ‘Enough, stop crying’ he says. But she will continue sobbing. Every time they quarrel, it is my sister-in-law who cries. My brother hasn’t even cried once. Same with my mom and dad- it is my mom who cries always. But I hate crying. My eyes won’t look good if I cry. Kajol will spread across my face. I will never cry.
Even if we see something with our eyes, apparently, we shouldn’t say anything- or do anything. If I see a mango basket in my father’s hands- I want to jump shouting ‘Hurrah, Mango fruits’. But I shouldn’t jump. I shouldn’t shout till the mango fruit comes to my plate. When it comes to my plate, I should eat it quietly while maintaining discipline. What is the use of seeing mangos when I can’t jump with joy when I see them?
Apparently, I shouldn’t scream even if I see something that makes me furious. What happened the other day? When Kalyani was coming back from college, she saw a boy fall from the cycle- he twisted his legs, and he couldn’t get up. There was no one on the road. Kalyani held him to get up and leaned his cycle against a pillar. When he couldn’t stand and was about to fall to the ground again, Kalyani held him to help. My uncle from the opposite house saw this and complained to Kalyani’s father. Kalyani’s father is also my uncle. I got infuriated when he had beaten Kalyani and stopped speaking to him. How dare you hold a stranger on the road- he screamed and had beaten her severely. When Kalyani said she was helping because he couldn’t get up- her father scolded her saying just because she had seen, there is no need to do national service. Shouldn’t you do something when you see- if not, what is the purpose of seeing? If you continue to remain the same before and after seeing, what is the point of seeing? If I say this to my mom, she will not understand- and ask me to shut my mouth.
I should shut my eyes. Shut my mouth. A woman working in my brother’s office came home- she has a beautiful laugh. But surprisingly she did not have bottu on her forehead. She did not apply kajol. She is still very beautiful. All the time she was at home, she was happily laughing. My mom and sister-in-law did not like her. They found it loathsome if women don’t put bottu on their forehead and wear a necklace. ‘Isn’t she really beautiful, isn’t she really beautiful’, I have asked them a number of times. ‘My eyes found her very disgusting- I can’t see a face without bottu’ said mom. When I grow up to my mom’s age, will my eyes also turn like hers? Alas- If they turn like my mom’s eyes, then I can’t see anything.
‘How could your eyes see things that are everywhere’, mom asked. My mom’s eyes can’t see anything. She doesn’t even care about things that she could see. Why are women’s eyes like this-
– Volga
Originally published in Stree Sakthi, Andhrajyothi (13th September, 1998)
Translated from Telugu by Rishvanth Reddy
rishvanth.com 
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